My most precious travel is my inner journey
Since the fall of 2018, I have been consciously moving from unrest to peace, from fear to love, from uncertainty to certainty, … In the years that preceded this, I was not very aware of this. On the contrary.
I derived my security from my superhero role. A role that focuses on others. The turning point came at my work. At the end of 2018. From one day to the next day, to my surprise. It seemed like my optimism and energy had disappeared. I didn’t know this feeling. I felt like I was failing at what I wanted to achieve.
I no longer saw the point of what I was doing. As much as I wanted to keep myself upright. I had to resign myself to it. This burnout made me realize. That I am not a superhero for others. That I choose to be myself. Shift down a few gears. Swapping my Ferrari for bare feet. What is it like to walk barefoot? What does that mean for me? What will my life be like then?
Step by step my inner ‘swamp’ landscape unfolded. No connection with my body and feelings. Shame and insecurity about showing myself vulnerable.
This journey felt like being born again to me. At my pace. Making it safe for myself. Bravely making my vulnerability visible. Being true to myself. What do I want? What do I need now? The burnout helped me to discover my shadow side. Now, I consciously live my light and shadow side. I experience harmony and peace. No matter how deep I dive in a swamp. I know the place of security and connection with myself and others. A place of Self-Loving Being.
My first self-loving steps did not come naturally
From head to body, body to heart, heart to soul, and soul to spirit
The moments that felt like a gift. The moments when I made space for myself and was able to wade into a field of unconditional love, free from “shoulds and musts”.
Before my burnout, I experienced sessions. Where I experienced a lot of musts. From myself. And from the caregiver. The extent to which the helper is in a pure field determines whether I feel free to show myself.
Yet feeling free to show myself was not enough. I still found myself in a wall of resistance/protection, because it didn’t feel safe to show myself. Often I felt stuck in my head or stuck in oppressed feelings.
Self-loving Capacity is feeling free, safe, connected, agreed, and collaborated in making yourself visible at your pace.
Self-loving steps are gently allowing the layers of resistance/protection to playfully unfold. Take your time with that layer of protection. Entering that layer, moving through it, self-loving receiving it, and trusting that clarity follows.
What I experienced is the importance of slowing down here. And to weave a safe web at the pace of the coachee. Meaning, for me the real deal starts here. That’s where the gold is. The (oppressed) emotions. The golden tears. That once wanted to flow. But didn’t. I invite you. To cry that river with no end, while knowing – to your surprise. You wíll reach the mouth of the river into the calm sea. The moment, you can give bedding to all your tears.
“She didn’t know it couldn’t be done,
so she went ahead and did it”
– Mary S. Almanac